Auditors
This made me laugh...... :p
Auditor
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Auditor, noun: an accountant with a grudge.
Contents
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
Auditors are a species of nomadic mammals, who came to Earth from the planet Debitor in the
1960s. Auditors are paperivores, and hunt in packs, known as audit teams. Each audit team is part
of a bigger tribe. There is much tribal rivalry and situations are subject to change as large tribes
seek to exterminate one another, but at the time of going to press, the ruling tribe in the audit world
was PWC (Pricks with Calculators).
An audit team typically changes its hunting ground every couple of weeks. Hunting grounds
normally take the form of offices, but may also include factories, shops, schools and hyperspace.
Any place of work is a potential source of nourishment to the paper-hungry auditor. All audit teams
have a leader, who runs ahead of the pack in search of an audit trail. Should he find something
suspicious, for example a file that has not been organized in alphabetical order, he will begin baying
to attract the attention of the rest of the pack. Once the pack has a sniff of the scent, they are
released upon the unsuspecting company, and tear around the offices of the internal accounts
department, hunting out similar transgressions. When they find another offending item, they will let
out a characteristic whoop of delight, and fall upon the filing cabinet, tearing the paperwork to
shreds with their bare teeth in their eagerness to devour it.
Audit packs have their own dens, known as home offices. The pack visits the office on average
once a month, in order to refuel on stationery. Auditors can survive several days and nights without
water, sex or sunlight but are liable to fall seriously ill if deprived of paper clips and yellow post-its.
These, along with Tippex, are considered special delicacies. Tippex is particularly high in nutrients,
and swallowing a small bottle of correction fluid before breakfast is widely believed to have
beneficial effects on an auditor's digestive system.
2 Evolution of Auditors
Among laypeople there is a common perception that auditors and accountants are the same thing.
Until 4 January 1972, this may or may not have been true. Before this time accountants and auditors
had rested secure in the knowledge that debit was the side nearest the window. This is the first
commandment of auditing, as given by Journalus Creditus and is believed by all auditors with a
deep religious devotion. On this fateful day, however, Pricks with Calculators opened a brand
spanking new den in the centre of London. Due to a tragic misunderstanding with the architect, a
terrible mistake occurred; namely, that the building was constructed on a corner. The result was that
the office now had windows on two walls. The accounting world was thrown into a dark and
terrible confusion and a dreadful schism occurred. One group believed debit was the side nearest the
window overlooking the high street, whilst the other could not be shaken from the conviction that it
was the window overlooking the multistorey carpark. The matter was referred to an independent
government committee, who eventually ruled that it was indeed the high street facing window.
Those accountants who had believed in the multi-storey carpark were distraught and flew into a
violent frenzy with much wailing and shredding of papers. They felt so embittered that they vowed
never to perform any constructive book-keeping tasks again. Instead they swore to roam the earth in
search of other people’s book-keeping mistakes, in an attempt to dull the pain of their own
unforgivable error. Initially they were content just to detail the errors in Audit Reports. The
recession of the 1980s, however, meant times soon became lean and it was then that the custom of
consuming erroneous paperwork was born.
3 Characteristics of Auditors
Whilst auditors come in both genders, males outnumber females in a ratio of 2:1. There is a good
evolutional reason for this since the first thing a trainee auditor must master is the art of doubleentry.
It is customary for large tribes of auditors such as Pricks With Calculators to send their new
recruits on month-long residential courses to practice this useful skill. For obvious reasons of
practicality, only one female auditor is required for every two men.
In general, the best time to spot an auditor is during the so-called Audit Season which runs from
January to April. Auditors with their distinctive pin-stripe plumage will be present in large numbers
in all major offices, factories and places of work. If you think you have seen an auditor, approach
with caution. Avoid making eye contact, as this may be viewed as antagonistic. Should the auditor
begin to behave aggressively towards you, asking what proportion of your contingent liabilities you
consider probable, the best advice is to shout "Enron!" and run very fast in the opposite direction.
This will make the auditor in question shrivel up and die.
4 Auditors and Reproduction
Stocktaking is a strange version of foreplay peculiar to auditors. The audit pack will arrive at an
industrial site at 6am in the morning and demand to know how many widgets they have. The
auditors will then spend many happy hours counting the widgets and comparing their results to the
figures on the company stock system. The more unexpected discrepancies that they find, the more
sexually aroused they become. If at the end of the day they conclude that the company has been
overstating their widgets, they will spontaneously orgasm en masse and begin to practice their
double-entry by way of celebration. It doesn’t have to be widgets; it could be grains of sand. So
long as its something which there is absolutely no value in counting, it will do the trick.
5 Becoming an Auditor
In order to become an auditor, it is necessary to pass the initiation rites of the ICAEW. There is a
common misconception amongst laypeople that these initials stand for the Institute of Chartered
Accountants of England and Wales. In fact, they represent the Institute of Calculator Addicts and
Excel Worshippers. Trainee auditors spend many years at auditing colleges, where they study
diverse subjects including BF (Better Filing), BM (Being Miserable) and FR (Finding Romance). In
order to become officially qualified it is necessary to achieve a high pass in BF and BM combined
with a bad fail in FR.
If reading this article has made you feel you would like to become an auditor, you are advised to
seek immediate psychiatric help.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Auditor"
Auditor
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Auditor, noun: an accountant with a grudge.
Contents
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
2 Evolution of Auditors
3 Characteristics of Auditors
4 Auditors and Reproduction
5 Becoming an Auditor
2 Evolution of Auditors
3 Characteristics of Auditors
4 Auditors and Reproduction
5 Becoming an Auditor
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
Auditors are a species of nomadic mammals, who came to Earth from the planet Debitor in the
1960s. Auditors are paperivores, and hunt in packs, known as audit teams. Each audit team is part
of a bigger tribe. There is much tribal rivalry and situations are subject to change as large tribes
seek to exterminate one another, but at the time of going to press, the ruling tribe in the audit world
was PWC (Pricks with Calculators).
An audit team typically changes its hunting ground every couple of weeks. Hunting grounds
normally take the form of offices, but may also include factories, shops, schools and hyperspace.
Any place of work is a potential source of nourishment to the paper-hungry auditor. All audit teams
have a leader, who runs ahead of the pack in search of an audit trail. Should he find something
suspicious, for example a file that has not been organized in alphabetical order, he will begin baying
to attract the attention of the rest of the pack. Once the pack has a sniff of the scent, they are
released upon the unsuspecting company, and tear around the offices of the internal accounts
department, hunting out similar transgressions. When they find another offending item, they will let
out a characteristic whoop of delight, and fall upon the filing cabinet, tearing the paperwork to
shreds with their bare teeth in their eagerness to devour it.
Audit packs have their own dens, known as home offices. The pack visits the office on average
once a month, in order to refuel on stationery. Auditors can survive several days and nights without
water, sex or sunlight but are liable to fall seriously ill if deprived of paper clips and yellow post-its.
These, along with Tippex, are considered special delicacies. Tippex is particularly high in nutrients,
and swallowing a small bottle of correction fluid before breakfast is widely believed to have
beneficial effects on an auditor's digestive system.
2 Evolution of Auditors
Among laypeople there is a common perception that auditors and accountants are the same thing.
Until 4 January 1972, this may or may not have been true. Before this time accountants and auditors
had rested secure in the knowledge that debit was the side nearest the window. This is the first
commandment of auditing, as given by Journalus Creditus and is believed by all auditors with a
deep religious devotion. On this fateful day, however, Pricks with Calculators opened a brand
spanking new den in the centre of London. Due to a tragic misunderstanding with the architect, a
terrible mistake occurred; namely, that the building was constructed on a corner. The result was that
the office now had windows on two walls. The accounting world was thrown into a dark and
terrible confusion and a dreadful schism occurred. One group believed debit was the side nearest the
window overlooking the high street, whilst the other could not be shaken from the conviction that it
was the window overlooking the multistorey carpark. The matter was referred to an independent
government committee, who eventually ruled that it was indeed the high street facing window.
Those accountants who had believed in the multi-storey carpark were distraught and flew into a
violent frenzy with much wailing and shredding of papers. They felt so embittered that they vowed
never to perform any constructive book-keeping tasks again. Instead they swore to roam the earth in
search of other people’s book-keeping mistakes, in an attempt to dull the pain of their own
unforgivable error. Initially they were content just to detail the errors in Audit Reports. The
recession of the 1980s, however, meant times soon became lean and it was then that the custom of
consuming erroneous paperwork was born.
3 Characteristics of Auditors
Whilst auditors come in both genders, males outnumber females in a ratio of 2:1. There is a good
evolutional reason for this since the first thing a trainee auditor must master is the art of doubleentry.
It is customary for large tribes of auditors such as Pricks With Calculators to send their new
recruits on month-long residential courses to practice this useful skill. For obvious reasons of
practicality, only one female auditor is required for every two men.
In general, the best time to spot an auditor is during the so-called Audit Season which runs from
January to April. Auditors with their distinctive pin-stripe plumage will be present in large numbers
in all major offices, factories and places of work. If you think you have seen an auditor, approach
with caution. Avoid making eye contact, as this may be viewed as antagonistic. Should the auditor
begin to behave aggressively towards you, asking what proportion of your contingent liabilities you
consider probable, the best advice is to shout "Enron!" and run very fast in the opposite direction.
This will make the auditor in question shrivel up and die.
4 Auditors and Reproduction
Stocktaking is a strange version of foreplay peculiar to auditors. The audit pack will arrive at an
industrial site at 6am in the morning and demand to know how many widgets they have. The
auditors will then spend many happy hours counting the widgets and comparing their results to the
figures on the company stock system. The more unexpected discrepancies that they find, the more
sexually aroused they become. If at the end of the day they conclude that the company has been
overstating their widgets, they will spontaneously orgasm en masse and begin to practice their
double-entry by way of celebration. It doesn’t have to be widgets; it could be grains of sand. So
long as its something which there is absolutely no value in counting, it will do the trick.
5 Becoming an Auditor
In order to become an auditor, it is necessary to pass the initiation rites of the ICAEW. There is a
common misconception amongst laypeople that these initials stand for the Institute of Chartered
Accountants of England and Wales. In fact, they represent the Institute of Calculator Addicts and
Excel Worshippers. Trainee auditors spend many years at auditing colleges, where they study
diverse subjects including BF (Better Filing), BM (Being Miserable) and FR (Finding Romance). In
order to become officially qualified it is necessary to achieve a high pass in BF and BM combined
with a bad fail in FR.
If reading this article has made you feel you would like to become an auditor, you are advised to
seek immediate psychiatric help.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Auditor"
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