Same same but different
This issue has been on my mind for a while but I've never had the opportunity to write it down...
Most of the time , I feel blessed to have the type of upbringing I've had but throughout my life I felt I never quite fit in.
I've always led a nomadic lifestyle ever since I was born-constantly moving from place to place following my dad.
I moved to Rhode Island in the US when I was 7 where I started my kindergarden education. That was the first of many occasions where I experienced being the only Malay girl in a foreign environment having to adjust to new people and new surroundings. I still remember that first day in school where I stood up in front of the class and introduced myself as "Hi, I'm Wati from Malaysia". I could sense most people in my class didn't have a clue where Malaysia was and why my name sounded so weird...
I'm not complaining for the opportunity living in America since my memory of Rhode Island were of happy times.I was lucky to visit places like the White House, Niagara Falls, Disneyland and many others with my family.
After a year in the US , we went back to Malaysia where I stayed in KL for a short while. I attended school at my aunt's primary school in PJ. I experienced culture shock -I cried at my first day at school because I hated the state and smell of the toilets in the school-(it sounds so petty now that I think of it)
In the next few months, my brother and I went for home tuition classes at my aunt's house in PJ but as soon as I was settling down in the school it was time to move again to Sitiawan in Perak. I attended an all girl's convent school but moved to a mixed school as my parents thought it was a better school. My childhood friend I can remember at the time was Ayu- we hung out and played around the neighbourhood. Fun memories but after about a year it was yet time to move again-back to KL.
There, I met other kids in a similar situation as me staying in the armed forces headquarters (MINDEF) and attended Bukit Bintang Girls School (BBGS). I made friends there but I never really had the chance to settle into the school as it was only a few months before the whole family was posted to Glasgow, UK.
If someone were to ask me whether I had close childhoods friends back then-I would probably say no because I never really had the chance to know people long enough to develop that close friendship bond.
Reflecting back on my time in Scotland-it was of fun times most of the time where I had neighbourhood friends who also went to the same school as I did. We were close especially Pat, Vanita, Gemma and I. But, deep down I felt an outsider. I wasn't British and my parents were traditional in my upbringing in that I wasn't allowed to stay up late going clubbing and drinking which were pretty normal in those days for teenagers growing up in the UK.(but saying that I'm sure Malaysia probably has the same teenage scene nowadays-I guess I just had a protective childhood back then)
When I moved to do my A-levels in Edinburgh, I was (again) the only Malay (muslim) girl in the whole boarding school. I made some good friends there but again I always felt I was missing out on knowing what being a Malaysian really is. I often described Malaysia as a wonderful place but did I actually have the right and the knowledge to really know what being a Malaysian really is?
Throughout my childhood when my dad was posted in Glasgow, I rarely went back to Malaysia -maybe once every two years. Even then, it was only during the school summer holidays and stayed with my aunt and spent time with my cousins. It never felt like I really knew Malaysia except for doing the touristy things.
I chose to continue my uni education in London-maybe it was fate but I was blessed to stay in the uni halls where my flatmate was a Malaysian- I met more Malaysians through her,my uni course as well as joining the usual Malaysian clubs. It was an eye opener for me because I never really had proper Malaysian friends before this. My three years at university were the most enjoyable time of my life so far. I felt independent travelling around Europe and learning to live with other people.
My first proper relationship was at university and people found it surprising that I was going out with a Malay. People assumed that I would go out with a Mat Salleh but I was never really interested with British guys-I think the culture gap was too big for me. However, I do understand why Western guys can seem appealing at times as some Malay guys can be insensitive jerks at times (but then aren't men like that anyways at times irrelevant of which ethnic origin they are from?)
Post graduation: due to the work climate at the time I took a year out to go home to Malaysia while trying to get chartered training back here in London.
My year in Malaysia was long overdue-for the first time in my life I was able to spend time in Malaysia for more than three weeks!
Initially, it felt like a holiday-I was able to spend time with my family and I also experienced working in Malaysia. I got a taste of the crazy working culture in Malaysia and met new people other than my uni friends.
I realised pretty quickly that there was still lots of things I didn't know about living in KL- let alone Malaysia.
Soon I felt suffocated-I was used to come and go as I please in London-stay out and meet whomever I wanted but back home it's more restrictive. I needed to account on where i was going, what time I was due to go back. It was like being back in school. I understood that it wasn't because my parents didn't trust me but they couldn't accept that I am no longer a kid and I needed my freedom. Compromise and tolerance was required from all of us in the family to make living bearable and I think towards the end we were close in reaching some sort of compromise.
In terms of my spiritual faith, there were things which I did in the past which i regretted but I tried to put that behind me and my inspiration Moez changed all that for me during that year I was in Malaysia. He inspired me to change my ways and become a better Muslim. I soon realised however, that there were other Malays who didn't understand this side of me. Trying to make your faith stronger should be a sign of a favourable trait in someone but I felt certain people found this off-putting and stereotyped you in a certain category.
When I moved back to London and started working life, I was lucky to have great workmates but there was always this barrier. British working culture revolves around the pub-it's a place where they socialise. We go to coffeehouses or mamak stalls to lepak but here people go straight to the pub on a friday evening. My workmates were understanding when I explain to them I don't drink but again it was difficult to fit into this working environment. At the beginning, I attended all the working drinks but as the years go by, there were times where I made excuses of why I didn't attend the leaving do's or made reasons of why I wanted to leave early.
I often wonder do I fit better in the life here or back home in Malaysia? Even at my current workplace, I am the only Malay girl in a large global firm. Throughout my whole life, I had to adjust in different environments and meeting new people but I can't help feeling when will I feel a sense of belonging?
Does the feeling ever exist? Is there any one out there who had a similar background to me?
I think most people go through life trying to discover their identity. When I read Barack Obama's book "Dreams of my father"-Obama went through life trying to discover his own identity as a mixed race American and fighting the prejudices of people (both black and white) and fighting for what he believed in. In the end,he just learnt to accept that he was who he is and proud of it.
I'm not comparing myself exactly to Obama per se, but what I'm trying to say is everyone goes through life with different background and different life experiences searching for that sense of identity.
Maybe I will never find that sense of identity-I keep on wondering...
I'm hoping whoever I settle down with Insya-allah will learn to accept that I am who I am. Is that too much to ask?
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